home
***
CD-ROM
|
disk
|
FTP
|
other
***
search
/
Family Fun
/
Family Fun.iso
/
joke2
/
court
/
court.txt
Wrap
Text File
|
1989-11-04
|
7KB
|
196 lines
Disorder In The Court!
Most language is spoken language, and most words once they are
uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case
with language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an
army of court reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve
every statement made during the proceedings.
Court is now in session, and here are my favorite transquips, all
recorded by America's keepers of the word:
Q: What is your brother-in-law's name?
A: Borofkin.
Q: What is his first name?
A: I can't remember.
Q: He's been your brother-in-law for 45 years, and you
can't remember his first name?
A: No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the
witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin). Nathan,
for God's sake, tell them your first name!
Q: Did you stay all night with this man in New York?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A: No.
Q: James stood back and shot Tommy Lee?
A: Yes.
Q: And then Tommy Lee pulled out his gun and shot James in
the fracas?
A: (After a hesitation) No sir, just above it.
Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumber region.
Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage
terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And, by whose death was it terminated?
Q: What is your name?
A: Ernestine Mc Dowell.
Q: What is your marrital status?
A: Fair.
Q: Are you married?
A: No, I'm divorced.
Q: What did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things that I didn't know about.
Q: And who is this person you are speaking of?
A: My ex-widow said it.
Q: How did you happen to go to Dr. Cheney?
A: Well, a gal down by the road had had several of her
children by Dr. Cheney and said he was really good.
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A: I will be three months November 8th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Q: Mrs. Smith, you do believe that you are emotionally
unstable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
A: Four times.
Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A: No.
Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at the time?
A: Attached to the ears.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
A: All my autoppsies have been on dead people.
Q: Were you acquainted with the decedent?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Before or after he died?
Q: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was
under the influence?
A: Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate
his words.
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you
can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
A: No.
Q: Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to
a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Have you ever been arrested?
A: Yes.
Q: What for?
A: Aggravating a female.
Q: You say you're innocent, yet five people swore they saw
you steal a watch.
A: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me
steal it.
Judge: Well, gentlemen of the jury, are you unanimous?
Foreman: Yes, your Honor, we're all alike -- temporarily
insane.
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish
all present information and prejudice from
your mind if you have any.
Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted
to and were able, for the time being excluding all the
restraints on her not to go also, would he have brought
you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
A: MR. BROOKS. Objection. That question should be taken
out and shot.
Q: At the time you first saw Dr. McCarty, had you ever
seen him prior to that time?
JUDGE: I rarely do so, but for whatever purpose it may
serve, I will indicate for the record that I
approached this case with a completely open mind.
Q: Did the lady standing the driveway subsequently
identify herself to you?
A: Yes, she did.
Q: Who did she say she was?
A: She said she was the owner of the dog's wife.
Q: I understand you're Bernie Davis's mother.
A: Yes.
Q: How long have you known him?
Q: Now, I'm going to show you what has been marked as
State's Exhibit No. 2 and ask if you recognize the
picture?
A: John Fletecher.
Q: That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
Q: As a officer of the Dodge City Police Department, did
you stop an automobile bearing Kansas license plates
SCR446?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Was the vehicle occupied at the time?
Q: Please state the location of your right foot
immediately prior to impact.
A: Immediately before the impact, my right foot was
located at the immediate end of my right leg.
Q: Have you ever beaten your wife?
A: No. I might slap her around a little, but I never beat
her.
Q: Just what did you do to prevent the accident?
A: I closed my eyes and screamed as loud as I could.
Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and
veracity of this defendant?
A: Oh, she'll tell you the truth. She said she was going
to kill the son of a gun -- and she did.
Q: And another reason that you didn't want to go out there
was because you feared for your life?
A: Yes, I did.
Q: Why?
A: That's a rowdy neighborhood, and there are very, very
bad persons that will do bodily harm and seriously kill
someone.
Q: Where were you on the bike at the time?
A: On the seat.
Q: I meant where is the street.
Before we recess, let's listen in on one last exchange involving
a child:
Q: And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral,
O.K.?
A: Oral.
Q: How old are you?
A: Oral.